Typically when I start one of these, I have a general idea of what I want to write about, or at the very least, an understanding of the emotions I’m going through. This ranges from the usual sad and depressed to elated “I can do anything and everything” type vibe. Today though, I’m really not sure. It feels like i’m slipping into the downward spiral while flying (falling?) through the sky.
So here I am, attempting to fix/understand the emotion.
Honestly, I’m not even sure how to structure this. I’ve typed and deleted countless paragraphs already and I’m barely a hundred words deep. That’s kind of how it goes with feelings in general I think. You spend an ungodly amount of time trying to piece things together just to end up not knowing or feeling like progress was made.
Why are emotions so complicated?
I’ve been feeling a little lonely recently. Like I’ve disconnected from my life and just going through the day on autopilot. I’m still seeing my people and actively talking to others, but it just feels like the words I’m saying aren’t truly what I’m thinking. I’m saying my thoughts and words in my head but someone else is reprogramming my responses. But honestly, it’s not even the first time I’ve experienced that kind of feeling, the weird part of it all is how “okay” I feel, which is the scariest part of it all.
I feel okay but don’t feel like myself. Does that mean my natural self isn’t able to be “okay”? Is it my brain? My personality? What about me makes it so much harder to feel okay without outside help, and what does that speak about my future. Am I going to be forever reliant on being able to take meds? Am I forever going to feel like not myself? How far does it go? How long does it last?
It feels like no one knows.
But as disconnected as I feel, it’s also the most alive I’ve felt. I’m regularly going to the gym and working on myself. I’m doing my best to be more social with people. I’m putting in effort in excelling at my job. I even feel motivated enough to write all this. But I still feel lost and confused.
Recently, my coworkers were talking about my mannerisms and how they change depending on who I’m around. This cut me off guard because to my knowledge, regardless of who I’m with, I’m just talking and acting like myself. So to be told that the “self” I envision is vastly different to what is externally perceived, it’s a little jarring to say the least.
So now I sit and wonder how many things I’ve lost, be it people or opportunities, from the way I’ve presented myself. How do you even fix that? If your own self perception is already damaged and screwed, do you just think differently? Observe differently? Just blindly follow whatever the people around me say? There’s gotta be a better way.
Ultimately, I don’t know what the answer is. All I know is that I feel scared, alone, and alive.
Contradicting, I know.
Either way, it feels like I’m going to burst with the retained confusion and emotions. Writing definitely helps but who knows, maybe I’ll figure it out by lifting weights or something.
That’s it for now.
Be back soon.
