hello, strangers.
It’s been a while since I managed to put words on paper. Of course, I haven’t posted here for the longest time, but I also haven’t journaled or really expressed myself in a while either, and honestly? Not the greatest feeling.
It feels like I always end up word vomiting on here once I reach a breaking point.
There’s a cathartic feeling about having my words, my essence really, out in the public ether. I think it’s a combination of having myself be available to others, the chance of being perceived, without any real chance of perception. Schrodinger’s feelings, if you will.
Anyways,
I’ve been thinking a lot about the past, and how much remorse and regret can impact your present day. Be it in overthinking, or self-neglect, or low self-esteem. It hits you in ways you don’t even realize until you’re lying alone in your bed at 3 AM, stuck wondering about all the what-ifs, the could-be’s, and the things that’ll never be.
I know the typical response is, accept the past, forgive yourself, forgive others, and basically get over it. Do some soul searching, go to therapy, confront the issues, etc., etc., blah blah blah.
I hate that.
Changing aspects of yourself is never easy, I know that. It involves a lot of work and a lot of time to really be able to directly address and influence a negative aspect of yourself… but does it? No really, does it? Because if I’m being honest, it feels like other people can go through similar experiences as you do and yet, they come out just fine?
Of course I realize that everyone is unique and learn to handle things differently. But a lot of that comes from a person’s environment and upbringing, and that’s just inherently unfair.
It’s unfair that people are able to grow up in a complete and whole loving family. It’s unfair that some people are able to grow up and not worry about basic day to day needs. It’s unfair that some people are able to experience a completely different childhood just because of where or to whom they were born to. It’s unfair. It’s unfair. It’s unfair.
It’s unfair that some people are just naturally able to interact with people without overthinking or worrying about how they’re portraying themselves. It’s unfair that some people can be complete assholes and just simply not care, and to make it worse, just get away with it. It’s unfair that some people go through their whole lives with zero consequences, and yet still get to enjoy and inherent so much love and caring and kindness.
It’s unfair. It’s unfair. It’s unfair.
And as much as I hate thinking this way (I know it sounds bratty), I just can’t help it.
Again, I know that the common response is to “do the work” “put in the effort” “love yourself”
forgive yourself”. But why do I have to do any of that?
Why is it so okay to tell people how to improve themselves and not just let them acknowledge how unfair the situation is? It’s hard. It sucks. Yet, why can’t it be okay to just acknowledge that?
“You can’t focus on others, because then you’ll never focus on yourself” “Comparison is the thief of joy”
Why not???
Sure, I agree that it would be unhelpful for it to become an obsession. A total disservice to yourself.
And yeah, I also agree that the answer *is* to do the work and learn to get over it.
But. Let. Me. Feel. My. Feelings.
Let me be annoyed, let me be sad, let me be angry. Stop trying to just sweep the issue aside and tell me to focus on the solution. Why is it so wrong to wallow in these feelings?
And why does it bother me so much?
This is what landed me here. The crux of my feelings.
“Why does it bother me so much?”
I won’t lie and say I know the answer. I don’t, and even if I did, my answer won’t necessarily be your answer.
In the effort of trying to figure myself out, I’ve been wondering why these acts bother me so much. Is it the lack of empathy? Is it an ego thing? I know I’m not entitled to anything, no one is, but still, that lack of connection with others just hurts sometimes.
I met up with a friend the other day. She’s a close friend but we hadn’t had the chance to have a real conversation in a minute. But we finally met up, things were great and she ended up confiding some of the stuff she was going through recently. This is when she said, “Yeah, I’ve been wanting to talk about it and get this off my chest, and I knew you would get it.”
“I knew you would get it”
Was that it? Am I bothered because I feel like people don’t get me?
We talked more, and she pointed out how exhausting it can be to try and explain the feelings involved in situations that other people have not gone through. The yearning of lost experiences.
We typically associate yearning with people. People love feeling yearned for. It’s an intense feeling for people, typically associated with romance, but it’s so much more than that. Ms Mariam Webster herself says:
“to long persistently, wistfully, or sadly; a tender or urgent longing”
But people yearn for other things too. Family, friendships, places, experiences and so much more. No wonder it can be so hard seeing other people enjoy the things you haven’t.
There are countless times where I’ve caught myself yearning for the things that can never be. It’s painful. Especially when all you see are constant reminders from the people around you. The celebrations, the connections, the inherent expectations of things in general, things you never need to question because it’s always just…been. Life experiences, going college without worrying about tuition, rent, bills, family health, work schedules, whether or not you’ll have enough for gas or hoping the noise in your car stays the same until your next check. Traveling without worrying about home. Being spontaneous without worrying about the all the things that can blow up later just because you decided to enjoy yourself for one day. Being able to simply reminisce over a good childhood memory.
It’s all tainted.
Now don’t get me wrong, I know that no one lives a perfect life. Even in ideal conditions, things can go wrong, there’ll always be problems. But the reason for pointing it out is to showcase how easily it can make someone feel disconnected. As if we’re being left behind just because we didn’t have the opportunity to experience the same things.
Yet you’re not allowed to complain. All you can do is get over it, do better, and move on with your life. If you try to express your frustration or sadness with someone who doesn’t get it, all you get is “I’m sorry” “What can I do”, etc. Even with people who have gone through similar struggles, if they’re on the “moving on” part of the cycle, it’s *still* hard to connect, to feel seen.
Yearning is just one side of the coin. Everyone yearns for something, but few acknowledge the other side of coin, mourning. We typically associate mourning with death. Losing someone is an intense feeling. People cry, people lose a part of themselves, many fall into a downward spiral. Understandably so.
Do you tell them to get over it? Do you tell them to work on themselves and move on? No, of course not. You let them go through it, you let them feel your emotions. When they rant, you listen. When they repeat themselves, you listen. You empathize, you’re there for them.
You let them mourn.
I think part of the problem is a lot of us aren’t allowed to just mourn for the things we lost. And don’t get me wrong, there’s a spectrum for this, We’ve been placed in a cycle of perpetual motion. Always hustling, always looking to take the next step. Never able to just stay still and process the loss you’ve experienced.
You need to mourn.
You need to let yourself mourn. Ignore what the world wants you to do. Yes, you’ll eventually have to learn to move on and get over it, but it’ll never happen if you don’t let yourself experience the feelings that come with loss. It’s not a perfect solution, but it’s one that will help in the long run.
It’s still going to be hard. It’s still going to be exhausting trying to explain things to people that don’t understand or don’t get it. It’s still going to feel lonely. It’s still gonna be in the back of your mind.
The whole thing just sucks.
But at the end of the day, the world doesn’t care. As long as they feel good about themselves, no one else is going to care about a situation as much as you can. So let yourself be sad, let yourself complain, let yourself experience the loss. Otherwise, you’ll end up feeling stuck and alone with no way out.
Anyways, thanks for listening (reading?) to my rambles. It always feels great to just let stuff out every once in a while. I have a feeling I’ll be doing it more too.
Till next time,
Lunar Thoughts 