Existential Crisis

I’m Back and Struggling.

Welcome back to the few readers I had previously. If you’re reading this, thanks for being bored and curious enough to click on the notification.

It’s been about 3 years since I last posted on here. Man, does time go by.

Writing on here used to be a real passion. It was a good outlet for a lot of pent up feelings I had, and it gave me something to do instead of scrolling on my phone for hours on end.

At some point throughout the experience, I believed I found the solution to my issues. I felt like I was on top of everything. I had a job I didn’t hate, I had friends I spent time with fairly regularly, and I had goals I was working towards. Subsequently, the result of that “realization” was less writing. Both on here and in my private journaling.

My dwindling motivation to write wasn’t a purposeful decision, it just slipped away at some point. Alongside the job I enjoyed, the friends I had, and the goals I had. Luckily, it wasn’t all negative. Quitting my job at the time motivated me towards getting my LMSW, which I achieved, and I also was able to get a better paying job in my actual field. However, through that, it led me to realize how much I suck as a friend.

Some of that is just chronic self-deprecation that I thought I was over with, and some of it is a result of some childhood trauma I’m sure, but a lot of it was just me getting way too into my head.

A pattern I realized is how often I’ll tell someone I’ll reach out and then I just fail to ever do it. At first, it wasn’t intentional, but then it gets to the point where time passes and you feel guilt over how much time has passed since you reached out and then you feel like reaching out so late would just make it seem worse and the cycle goes on and on until you realize it’s been years and there’s no excuse besides you being too strung up inside yourself to do anything about it.

I’m still trying to work through that.

I’m still trying to get things my life in order.

I feel like I’m forever stuck in the “I’m trying” phase of my life.

I know realistically, this is something everyone deals with. I mean, “to try” is to make an actual attempt towards something, but, it feels like with every attempt I make towards improving myself, I end up taking one step forwards and two steps back.

Again, a lot of this is just because of my own attitude towards myself. But how do you move forward when your mind and your body are actively working against you?

I’ve tried therapy, medication, and all the other self-help tips you see online, and I feel like none of it works with me. Be it a lack of consistency from me, or the method itself just not really doing anything.

I feel stuck.

This feeling of stagnation really brings me back to how I felt when I was younger. Where everyday was a battle with myself to just get out of bed. But there was no real motivation for me. My relationship with my family at the time was all fabricated. My friendships filled me with guilt because I always felt as if they were calculations rather than something authentic. My dreams and goals for the future were ambiguous at best, and something I never planned to deal with during my less than favorable days.

And now,

I’m an adult, working in the field I decided on through a literal coin flip. I make enough money where I afford everything and I need and everything I don’t need. I have the freedom to do the things I want to. I’m actively living a life of privilege and yet I feel like I haven’t grown or changed at all.

Today, that feeling of stagnation just really hit.

I don’t really have a plan for what happens next. But, I’m hoping that through spewing my feelings out on something tangible, I’ll be able to figure it out at some point.

Thanks again to anyone who made it this far. I appreciate that you read through the rambling word vomit of an internet stranger.

Here’s to whatever the future brings us all.

-Star