overwhelming

At the time of writing I am feeling overwhelmed.

It feels like no matter where I turn, there’s just no escape. My internal dialogue is cruel and hateful and the outside world is just as ruthless, rushing me to move, rushing me to change, rushing me to adapt to a world with no structure. I try to keep calm and focus on the present, on what’s right in front of me and yet, I continue to find myself feeling overwhelmed.

I’m sure everyone knows how much I struggle with myself. Feelings of guilt, inadequacy and just generally a non-existent sense of self worth that continue to parade around in my mind. Recently, however, I’m haunted with feelings of fraud.

do I actually have issues or am I just trying to play the victim
is this just a desperate reach for attention?
there are people out there facing real hardships with real consequences, not whatever I have going on, it’s selfish of me to have these problems in comparison

Someone once said that in order to be diagnosed with something ,the prevailing symptom has to be creating some sort of disorder in your lifestyle. So now I wonder whether my lifestyle can even be considered disordered in any way. Though, yes, I do have some issues with existing, is it really enough to be considered a disorder?

I guess I just feel as if ultimately, I’m just a big baby for crying and worrying over the things I do. I’ve heard so many things from other people, their lives and their hardships, how much they work to overcome those things, and I’m so proud of them for doing what they do everyday just to continue living another day, to grasp for some sense of success and stability.

But oh, how it kills me to compare myself to them.

And I wish I could share some of this sentiment with someone, these feelings of self-frustration, but there’s an underlying fear that the moment I do, the trust and rapport we’ve built thus far will shatter.

The people around me are good people. They are doing their best not only for themselves, but for those around them. I know that if they believed they were overwhelming someone, they would immediately restrain themselves. For a lot of them, it’s all they know. Knowing this, I strive to provide them a space where they have no need to restrain themselves. Yet I fear that the moment I express some of my own personal misgivings, they may misinterpret that as it being their own fault, when it’s not.

It’s an annoying, inconsistent, mental back and forth with myself. Coming to terms with my own struggles and deciding whether or not they can be considered struggles to begin with, while also trying to express this without harming that connection I’ve built with those around me. Without damaging whatever sense of security I may have given.

I understand that these feelings are a bit presumptuous on my end. In the end, I can’t truly know how someone will respond if I were to air these feelings out. As someone who always advocates for communication, I understand how this can be hypocritical as well. But the underlying fear is there, and as much as I wish I could overcome it, the fear of losing those around me is much more overwhelming than anything else.

Externally, I feel as if life is going too fast all the time. With graduation on the horizon, the pressure to get licensed, to get a job, to move out and become independent grows heavier and heavier with each passing day.

I’ve realized that in my efforts to focus on the present, rather than tackling everything one by one, I’m simply ignoring it until it gets to the point where I can no longer ignore it. So rather than live in the moment, I’m simply running away from everything.

It’s frightening at times. Especially when the fear of the future creeps up in my mind at the most unexpected moments.

Part of me is afraid that I don’t have what it takes to go as far as I would like. The fear that I won’t be able to graduate last minute, the fear of not being able to get licensed, the fear of not getting a new job and being stuck where I am now, and ultimately, the fear of being unable to leave and be my own person, forever stuck dependent.

It feels as if time is simply not on my side. We are too aware of each other, and while I try to ignore it, time continues to push and shove, trying to get me to move.

I just feel as if I’m not ready for anything. That I’ve made it thus far due to sheer dumb luck.

I’ve always felt this way.

I think these feelings of not being ready or not being worthy are part of the reason why I’ve run away from so many opportunities both in life and with people. I am just so full of fear and dread that it actively prevents me from moving forward.

I am so awestruck by those who have similar experiences and are still able to move forward. There is so much strength to be witnessed by those who continue to press and fight against their insecurities. I hope that one day I can do the same.