These emotion dumps get increasingly harder to start. I always want to start with something witty or something profound, or just something that really describes whatever feeling is overwhelming me at the moment. I want to be cohesive and straight to the point and show everyone that even though I’m feeling overwhelmed, I still have it together and not struggling. However, I think we both know how disingenuous that would be. I am struggling and I don’t know what I’m feeling, and it’s upsetting because I honestly thought that I had started a period of growth and learning to understand myself a little better. Okay, scratch that, I am still growing and I am understanding myself more, I don’t want to invalidate myself, but days like today just makes it feel like I haven’t made any progress.
I don’t know why it’s happening, but for the past few days I’ve been having issues with sudden bursts of crying. Out of nowhere, I start feeling confused and flustered. My heart aches, and that feeling of longing for something, or someone, begins to develop. I try to be kind to myself and just let it happen. Feel your feelings as they say. I think to myself, “this is temporary, just remember to breathe,” and yet the feelings don’t leave, rather, they begin to fester and multiply. Longing invites yearning, confusion brings about a feeling of doubt and disorientation. Fluster encourages the brain to think more, to go faster, thoughts skip development and rush through the body looking for a way to escape, usually through tears.
I’ve learned from experience that tears held back hurt more than whatever caused the tears in the first place. Today however, the ache was just too much and I didn’t know what to do. Where are these feelings coming from? Why can’t I figure out where they’re coming from? I thought I knew myself better, I thought I was learning how to handle myself. If I don’t know where the problem is, how can I fix it?
Like all things, the feelings eventually passed. Not without leaving their mark on my psyche of course. So the question is, what just happened? I wish I had an answer, and I wish I could end this whole thing on a super positive note where we all learn something new and have better tools to help ourselves. But instead, we get to leave on a somber note.
I don’t know what happened. All I learned is I probably need to see a therapist again.
’till next time.
Lunar Thoughts 