Hey friends,
Why are feelings such a difficult thing to express? It’s like, the more aware of myself I become, the harder it is for me to really explain what it is I’m feeling. It’s getting annoying.
Let’s try it anyways.
To start off, I officially graduated and while I originally thought I would continue to feel the disinterest I had previously described, it turns out that I can’t pretend to feel a certain way as well as I thought I could. While I wish I could say that in a positive way but the reality is I think I just ended up feeling more bitter. Seeing other graduates post their celebrations and seeing other families being so proud and happy for their graduating kids, it was…painful I guess. A reminder of a life I never had.
It was mitigated to a certain extent, with friends congratulating me, though mostly from people I rarely speak to or haven’t spoken to since high school. Even then, the superficial congratulations just ended up hurting once I saw the difference in excitement they showcased between me and other mutual friends.
I just wish someone was proud of me. Like, genuinely proud and excited for me. But that line of thinking is extremely unfair of me and I recognize that. Like, who am I to judge the extent of someone’s feelings to me? But, I don’t know, I just feel so empty about everything. I’m so envious about everyone around me. Like I see all this emotion everywhere and I’m just so desperate to feel some of it. It’s such an edgy, middle school emo thing to say but I just genuinely feel empty and I’m so tired of it.
My point is, I’m jealous of all this love and admiration going around, but none of it towards me.
So where am I now? I wish I had an exciting answer but the reality is that I don’t know. I feel stuck. The days don’t feel like days anymore. Everyday I spend the day in a daze, half conscious so that I don’t have to think, so that I don’t have to be aware. Sometimes I snap out of it and start to become aware of myself and it’s simply terrifying. I miss the days when I would wake up and next thing I know it’s time to go to sleep again. I miss the days when I didn’t have to be so aware of myself, both physically and mentally.
Now that my responsibilities have lessened, all I do is sleep or stare at the wall. It’s so hard to function like a normal person. It’s so exhausting and the more I pretend that I’m okay the more I die inside, and soon enough I feel like it’s going to leak into reality.
I hate existing.
I wish I could stop.
Stop thinking, stop worrying, stop breathing.
Stop existing.
’till next time.
Lunar Thoughts 