Hey friends,
I think it’s kind of a scam that I can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. So isolated.
I’ve been feeling like this for a while now, (I think I’ve mentioned it in a previous post). But recently, this feeling of loneliness has been hitting my heart much harder than ever before. I can feel it building up, slowly but surely, and soon enough something’s going to break.
I don’t know what it is. I know I have issues with letting people into my life but I really thought I was in the process of changing. I’ve been trying to keep up communication with some people, and I’ve tried to open up whenever someone expresses any interest in me and as always, I’m always there for the people that reach out and need someone to listen to them. Yet here we are, still feeling like I’m alone. Honestly, I’m starting to think I have some sort of complex, though which one, I’m not entirely sure.
This came up because of a conversation I had with someone. We talked about my future and independence. I’ll keep it short because that whole story is a post in and of itself but essentially, she asked if I had anyone who knew of my goals and if they were there to push me towards it. So I thought about it and realized that no, there really wasn’t. Not to say no one knows of my goals, there’s a handful of people that do, but not anyone reminding me or pushing me towards it.
I’ve mentioned my goals a few times to some people but never have really gone in-depth. I don’t think anyone’s really ever asked and if they have, for some reason I just don’t get into it.
I think it’s tied up with my feelings of inadequacy. I want to talk about what’s going on, but to the few people that I would even be comfortable with sharing that with, I don’t feel like they’d really care, or better said, aren’t well equipped to care.
Maybe my relationships are more shallow than I realize.
There’s a lot of fear and hesitancy in my choices. I fear of what people would think of me, and of what they’d say to others about me, and of course I’m terrified of them leaving me.
Sometimes I feel like my problems and my issues aren’t worth the effort to share. Sometimes I feel like my problems aren’t problematic enough to worry about. Sometimes I feel like my issues are simply incomparable to the people around me and that I shouldn’t burden them when they already have their own issues to deal with. Sometimes I feel like my “helping” and my “being there” are simply an annoyance to the people around me. Sometimes it feels like I’m trying too hard to keep people around me happy, even when it feels like they couldn’t care less about me. But that’s not fair of me, I shouldn’t do things while expecting something in return, but is it really that bad of me to want some sort of effort in reciprocating? Are friendships not about wanting what’s best for each other? Are relationships not about wanting to grow and thrive with the people you care about?
Does this just mean that my relationships are fake? Am I the only one that thought there was something here? Am I the only one who feels invested?
I wish I could go up to the people around me and simply ask, but even if I had the courage to ask that, I don’t think I actually want the answers to it.
’till next time.
Lunar Thoughts 