Continuing on from yesterday’s post.
I’ve mentioned before how I push people away. Specifically whenever they try to be supportive of me or when we become closer and start opening up more.
On that note, something that I’ve never really spoken about with anyone before is my struggle with “best friends”.
For me, I don’t think I could ever have a best friend.
I’ve had friends that I’ve been extremely close with, people that I’d do anything for. But never anyone I’ve been comfortable with calling my best friend.
I think I struggle with it because of that lack of equality in my mind. Best friends is such a mutual concept. Like in order for you to really be best friends, you’d both have to acknowledge each other as that, and in my head, I can’t imagine anyone ever consider me as such.
Which is why I don’t think I’d ever have a best friend. Because I can’t imagine having someone call me their best friend. Not genuinely at least.
Slowly, I’m starting to really unpack all these issues holding me back. I feel like I’ve always acknowledged that these issues exist within me, but never truly gone and analyzed why they’re there.
It’s kind of hard, having to go deeper and deeper within myself and seeing all the damage I’ve done to myself. Let alone trying to bring it out into the world through simple words.
If I’m being honest, it’s really discouraging finding out more and more things wrong with me, just to pretend like nothing is wrong here in reality.
I just hope that one day, this can serve to be something useful.
’till next time.
Lunar Thoughts 