Day Twenty Eight

Today during a training I was doing, we were asked about influential figures in our lives growing up.

Who showed you that you mattered to them?
Who pushed you to get better?
Who helped you, connected with you, etc.

As they went around, everyone was answering with confidence.

My parents helped me so much!
My friends are so supportive!
My teachers were such a great guide!
etc.

Finally it’s my turn and I just froze.

I couldn’t really name anyone.

Obviously I didn’t just stay quiet. I made up some story about a random teacher that I never had. Everyone smiled and we moved on.

I then proceeded to cry for a little bit.

It made me think about my life (more so than usual of course), and how lonely I feel.

Not to say I’ve never had friends or anything. It’s just, I don’t know, I just feel so invisible.

Usually, I’m the one that provides help and support to the people around me, but it’s rare for me to get that back.

Of course none of the blame goes to the people that I grew up with. I’m confident that someone at some point in time has attempted to provide me with support. Yet, because of my own self-hatred I blocked all that out.

The funny thing is that I was so willing to sacrifice myself. Not just because I wanted to be helpful, but because I was so desperate to mean something to someone. I thought that if I could make myself useful people would want to keep me around.

I was so stupid.

I was so presumptuous for thinking I could manipulate people into wanting me around. For thinking I could fix their lives or something.

It’s been hard realizing how selfish I’ve been growing up.

Harder realizing how much I’ve self-sabotaged myself.

I’m so desperate for approval, for validation, for someone to care for me. So desperate to be meaningful, to be worth something, so be valid. So desperate to the point where I abandoned my own autonomy just to please the people around me.

And now I’m alone.

I’m not truly alone. I still have a few people around me that I care, and I appreciate the hell out of them.

But I’m just so full of self-doubt and paranoia, it’s hard to trust anything. I keep thinking that I’m acting manipulative, or that the people around me are just showing me pity because of how often I complain, or that they keep me around because I’m useful which makes me think that I’m just repeating what I did before and on and on and on and on.

It’s a never-ending downward spiral.

I’m trying to figure it out, truly.

I just don’t know what normal relationships should look like, I just know I’m desperate for one. An equal relationship where I don’t crave their affection or approval.

I guess more importantly I want to be satisfied with myself.

Hopefully I’ll figure it out.

‘Till next time.