Day Seven

I hate uneventful days.

Not for the fact that they are uneventful, but rather, for the fact that they give me too much of an opportunity to think, which in turn, makes me anxious, sad, overwhelmed, etc.

During eventful days, I end up concentrating all my thoughts and emotions towards that particular event. This distracts me, or otherwise keeps me somewhat calm. But days like today, all I can do is worry.

Things are going too smoothly
What bad thing is going to happen
What did I mess up
What am I forgetting

I’m so used to something bad happening on a daily basis, normal days are just nerve-racking. I can’t stop thinking about worst case scenarios and unknown tragedies that I’m just bound to discover somehow.

I’m at the point where I actively prefer for bad things to happen because it helps stop me from trying to think or from fantasizing of other potential bad things.

I feel like I’m stuck in a perpetual state of anxiety and negativity, and it’s just really overwhelming on slow days like today.

I try to distract myself through other means like scrolling on tiktok for hours, or playing a game, or just taking a good old fashioned depression nap.

But sometimes, they just don’t work.

Guess it’s just another thing to add to my list of what’s wrong with me haha.

I really don’t understand why I’m like this, or why I have such extreme mood swings. Maybe it’s because I haven’t spoken enough with my usual people. Maybe it’s because of trauma. Maybe it’s because of other unknown reasons that I haven’t had the chance to process.

Or all of the above.

I don’t like feeling like this, but I don’t know how to stop it. At least, not without resorting to old bad habits.

If anyone knows how to circumvent that, or how to process emotions (in a healthy manner I guess), I’d really appreciate it.