“Envy is a declaration of inferiority.”
On the subject of self-analysis, my therapist once mentioned that I have an extreme lack of emotional boundaries.
I say that all nonchalant but the realization really messed me up.
So now, on top of the over analyzing I was already doing with all my interactions with others, I know had an extra layer of analyzing to do.
I mention this because something that’s been hard for me to admit recently is the fact that I have a major jealousy problem. This isn’t even exclusive to relationships or anything, it kind of applies to everyone in my life.
Realizing this has made me feel so…ugly? Like, who am I to be jealous? Who am I to assume my position in other’s lives? It’s not like I actively choose to feel this way (at least I hope I don’t), but the feelings rise up either way.
These feelings lead to other thoughts like,
why won’t this person treat me like I treat them
why am I never a priority
why am I always left behind
This, plus the imposter syndrome I mentioned yesterday, really work hand in hand in creating a toxic mindset for myself.
On one hand, I’m so desperate for recognition. So desperate to have someone treat me as a priority in their life that I’ll do anything and everything in my power to please them (very unhealthy I know).
Then, when I don’t receive these impossible standards of recognition, I instantly start self-sabotaging and degrade myself.
I’m at the point where I am actively afraid of interacting with people. There’s a constant voice in the back of my head that reminds me to not get too close to anyone because that will just lead to further hurt.
So I avoid people.
But then I’m hurt when the same people I avoid don’t keep me around.
It’s a toxic relationship with myself.
It’s hard recognizing this for myself because I want to change so badly. I want to be able to have normal relationships with people. I don’t like having to overanalyze everything I say, everything others say. I don’t like the ugly feelings that come up and overwhelm me. The pain my heart feels when I see other people laughing and enjoying each other. The jealousy of seeing others interact. The envy of seeing others acknowledge each other. The loneliness that springs up like a geyser in my heart when I see others showing affection to each other.
I have so many overwhelming emotions that I just can’t help but cry.
I don’t know how to fix anything.
I don’t know if any of this is fixable.
It’s just so overwhelming that I can’t really deal with any of it.
It’s really just too much.
Lunar Thoughts 