Day Two

***Trigger Warning***
mention of suicide/self harm/starvation

The second day of the year is always the weirdest for me.

Like everyone else, I’ve always tried to set goals and expectations for myself for the rest of the year. Yet somehow, it always ends up spiraling into more dangerous thoughts and impulses and, through the years, I’ve realized more and more how hard it is to set up expectations for myself without spiraling down into the extremes.

For years, I would think of nothing but wanting to die. I had developed non-stop feelings of self-hatred and would think of nothing but on how to change every aspect of myself. I would lie to the few friends I had, my family, and everyone else around me and would do my best to make everyone think that I was the epitome of stability and reliability.

Until I couldn’t.

Obviously, I could never completely go through with the thoughts of wanting to die. So I would try everything else. Self harm was present in my life for a while until it didn’t do the trick anymore. I would starve myself in the attempt to reach some imaginary ideal I could never accomplish. I would deny my personality and desire for affection and in turn, deny the people around me who truly cared for me. I would do so much to try and be someone who I wasn’t, someone who I could never be.

To this day, I still have trouble with accepting myself. I still cringe when I see myself in mirrors. I still have trouble wearing things that aren’t black in an attempt to hide as much of my body as possible. I still try and pretend that I have my life together so that others won’t try to offer their pity and sympathy. I try to do so much in order to convince myself and convince others that I’m not some weird waste of space.

I try and I try and I try to do so much, and have accompished nothing.

So every year, on the 2nd of January, I wake up confliced and confused. I wonder if the goals I made for the year are realistic. Are they attainable? Are they something that I can accomplish without spiraling down into some dangerous mentality or habit?

And just like past years, I find myself wondering the same today, and honestly, I don’t really know the answer to any of the aformentioned questions.

I want to think that I am more aware and put together this year. Afterall, I did spend a whole year specifcally trying to acknowledge and express my emotions. Yet, I’m still nervous, and most of all, scared that I wont be able to follow through or keep myself in check.

My hope is, by letting it all out here, I’ll be able to keep myself in check. I feel like having people witness my thoughts and feelings will help me regulate and not go towards the extreme.

So here are my goals for the year.

My main goal is to become healthier. Losing weight has always been an obssesion in my mind. But I recognize that having unrealistic expectations simply leaves me wanting to give up on myself for not accomplishing whatever impossible goals I had made for myself. So for this year, while losing weight still is the ultimate desire, the goal is to just end the year feeling better than how I entered it. This includes both physically and mentally.

Secondly, I want to explore the hobbies that I used to actively indulge myself in when I was younger, specifically reading and writing. Writing will be taken care of through the daily posts here, and for reading, I strive to read at least one book every month (which you will likely hear about here).

And lastly, I aim to improve my relationship with myself.

I’ve struggled too much for far too long with how I think and view myself. I want to be able to accept me for who I am. To accept that I matter, and to accept that others care for me. I want to be able to go a day without denying anything I’ve accomplished. I want to be able to hear my friends tell me they love me without having to question if they have an ulterior motives.

I understand this isn’t some overnight accomplishment, but it’s what I’ll be actively working towards to this year.

For those who I’ve pushed away in the past, and for those whose feelings I’ve hurt or denied, if you’re miraculously reading this somehow, I hope one day I’ll be able to mend whatever was broken between us.

For everyone else who have made it this far. Thanks for reading and indulging in my ranting.

If you have any goals, or have resonated with any of my feelings today, I’d love to hear about it.